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All I Ask of You - The Phantom of The Opera

2012-01-27T10:14:00.000-08:00

I have no idea how long it is since I last blogged. I do like blogging but there is a very simple reason for my lack of bloggage....I AM HAPPY!

For those of you that may be unaware of my circumstances, I now live with my girlfriend and I love her very much. I have also started a new job which I am currently enjoying very much.

I do, however, require the assistance of anyone who reads this....

One of my resolutions for 2012, including learning Polish, is to maintain better contact with my friends. Therefore, if you consider myself my friend and you are reading this, please get in touch with me and I will meet you for at a drink (possibly more than one).

Peace out.

The Sea

2010-07-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

My my my it has been a while since I blogged! This is the problem now I'm a happier person - less blogs! Although it's not like I was a prolific blogger in the first place.

So why have I decided to blog now I hear you ask! Well as most people will by now know a month or so ago I passed my driving test (first time!) and as anyone who spoke to me whilst I was learning will also know - I hated it! However, now that I can go out on my own, put on my own music and generally do what I like (within the limits of the law) I've discovered driving isn't actually all that bad. Right now as I type this blog I'm sat on the rocks on the beach in Banff. Why am I in Banff? Simply because I was looking for somewhere to go and started following signs! When I look at it like that it's a bit mental really, I drove all the way here for no reason whatsoever other than that the sign posts of the road pointed me here and also a little because it's in MacBeth. Whilst it was fine just walking places or getting the bus it's only because I'm driving that I came up here just to sit and type up a blog! I hate to admit it but I think my Mum may have been right about driving. When I was learning I hated it because there was always someone sat there telling me where to go and what to do, but now that I have that pretty pink piece of plastic (why pink?!) I can go almost anywhere just for the sake of it.

Obviously this driving lark does have some downsides, like being another taxi service for my brothers, but the good bits about driving make up for it!

So there we have it, a little blog about driving. Not the most exciting blog I've ever written but it's nice to say nonetheless!

Peace out!

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

2010-06-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

So here I am again jotting down a wee blog for you my devoted followers.

I don't have anything epic to share this time but a few simple thoughts that have come to me over the past few weeks and also share a couple of pieces of news.

First off on the news front - I have, after 9 months of absence been reunited with my dear devoted lover Cal Landles. We've agreed that the missing 9 months remain missing and no longer spoken about. All I have to say on the matter is it's good to have the amigo back.

News part two, as you will remember from my last blog I had started seeing someone new. Sadly this didn't work out, however it's for the best, we're still friends and I'm quite happy.

Now for the simple thoughts. The last few weeks have been interesting for me for a number of reasons but what has come to me most is that I should spend less time complaining about things and appreciate what I have. In future I shall try to take each day as it comes with an open mind and to value the small things in life that make a difference. Even simple things like the smell of rain, a familiar song on the radio or just a few snatched moments with friends. Each day is a new day to be enjoyed and to be savoured. So from this moment on, I Christopher Robert Wyles, pledge to be a little less grumpy and try to make the most of life.

That's about it for now.

Peace out.

Seasons of Love - Rent

2010-05-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

I begin tonight, my few faithful followers, with an apology. It has been far too long since I updated you with the goings on in my grumpy little life. If truth be told there are various reasons for this. One of these is that I, frankly, couldn't be arsed to blog. Had I blogged before now it would have just been the usual blog complaining about the state of my life. However, in recent weeks this has changed.

Let me start with the first change, not the most dramatic change but a change nonetheless. I have joined the dubious world of Twitter. If you're that way inclined feel free to follow me @christhegrump. It just means I'll spend less time adding pointless updates to Facebook, although these will continue to some extent. I've decided not to link to two together as it would be a little bit like update overload, but some will appear in both.

The second reason things have changed in the past couple of weeks is that I have a new girlfriend. Now for my regular readers (who actually speak to me in real life and not just in this cyber half-life) will know that this is a big deal. After the demise of my last relationship that left me in a bit of a state, making a commitment to someone new is something of a step for me. I've made no secret that I hated being single, but also made no secret of how much I hurt after Laura and I broke up. I know feel I can at least attempt a new relationship and this, whilst being very scary, excites me.

The final reason I'm feeling more bloggy today, and almost blogged last week, is on a Godly note. Only two people are aware of things that have been happening of late, and I'm sure only one of them really understands, but at the moment I'm feeling closer to God than I have done in a long while. I'll be the first to admit that my lifestyle does not live up to all the expectations of my amazing living saviour, but I know that despite my shortcomings he has a plan for me and whilst some of his plan I don't like there are parts of it that I cannot escape. The unfortunate thing is that it gets to me in ways I had never imagined, but that were entirely expected! However, if breaking down in tears every now and again is what it takes to notice what it is that he is getting at, I can cope with that. It just goes to fuel some hardcore prayer when I'm in those places. That may not make much sense to you, but to you in the know - you get me :)

I think, for now that's about it. I will try and blog more in future, I can't promise much but I will try.

Peace out.

The crap they play on the TV in Zara

2010-02-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

This is this second post I have written for this evening. Let me explain.

I am a student (yes, I finally admit it), yet it didn't occur to me how much being a student would effect my reading. I read a fair amount as a normal fully fuctioning human being, but now I seem to read things with slightly more interest, taking note of the points they raise. I recently read a blog by a close friend which, in connection with my studies, has challenged me.

The subject of both readings is that of belief and what beliefs are passed down to us and what beliefs we choose for ourselves. My original blog for today went into some detail about what exactly I believe and why I believe it. I have since realised that my original blog would have taken some time to read and therefore would have been pretty pointless to post so I shall sum it up in short here and if you really want the full of it you can text, Facebook, or email me for the full explanation. However, here is the basics of the original blog....

1) I am of the opinion that a certain amount of my beliefs have been passed down to me from my parents. I have been bought up to believe these things and so generally have no real reason to dispute them, with some exceptions (see below)

2) Some of my beliefs contradict those I was bought up with. I do not see this to be a negative things as they are my beliefs and so, by definition, are personal to me.

3) There are some things I am not entirely decided upon. I know what I believe now, but I don't doubt through times these things will change.

Before I sign off for this evening's blog I will answer the seven questions raised by my friend.

1) Do I believe in God, and heaven, and hell, and angels, and demons? What about other things, like aliens, and ghosts, and spirits?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If I believe in a "Holy Spirit" as part of the trinity, it only makes sense that I should believe in the opposite. I have experience of ghosts and also think that if God made the Universe then he would probably have made life outside of this tiny planet.

2)Do I think homosexuality is wrong?
No entirely. I don't think you choose your sexuality. I think there are people that exploit it, but I don't think it is entirely wrong so long as your relationship with God is right.

3) What’s my stance on the wars that are going on just now?
I think we went to war under false pretensises against a monster of our (Britain and USA's) own creation. It was fuelled by oil and fiancial gain.

4) Do I think it’s okay to have sex before marriage?
Not always. I think you have to consider the long term effects of a sexual relationship and be prepared to deal with the concequences.
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5) Would I have sex before marriage?
Yes, as I have. Do I regret it? Sometimes. Did I do it for the right reasons? Not always, but I wouldn't change it.

6) What’s your opinion on abortion?
It shouldn't be used as a contraceptive. Sometimes I can understand it, but if you were just careless then you should have to face the concequences.

7) Is drinking wrong?
In moderation, no. To excesses, yes.

That's about it, as I say, if you want the full essay version, contact me and I'll foward it.

Peace out.

A Tribute

2010-02-11T07:40:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about The Salvation Army is it's words and phrases. Few who attend will not know what is meant by "firing a cartridge", or will unfamiliar with our many abbreviations but there is one phrase that is undeniably Army and is possible one of the Army's greatest inventions.

Promotion to Glory.

Yesterday I discovered that on Thursday 4th February, Gary Buckley a soldier from Hendon had been Promoted to Glory. Gary was a fantastic guy who really lived out his faith. Gary's journey into soldiership was one that was truly life changing and being there on the Sunday that he was enrolled was one of the most moving meetings I have every been in. Gary was proud of his uniform and his God. He wore the uniform everywhere he went and always looked immaculate in it. The truly lived out his faith, turning his back on his old life and celebrated his rebirth in Christ in every way that he could. He would go to the homeless drop in on a Thursday lunchtime and make sure that those guys who were down on his luck were treated fantastically, right down to making sure they received the best biscuits that he could provide.

He fought with illness for a long time, but throughout his faith was strong. I have absolutely no doubt that Gary's place in heaven was assured and that he was very definitely Promoted to Glory to be with the Lord he loved so much.

That's about it today.

Peace out.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

It has long been tradition for the Queen to share a festive message with her loyal subjects at the conclusion of the year and I shall be no exception to that.

It is at this time of the year that we take a moment to reflect and take stock of the year that has passed and to look forward at the one that is to come. The past year hasn't been the greatest of years if truth be told and whilst some of this has been documented on this very blog there are other things that have remained private, as it only appropriate they should. Of course one of the most notable things to have happened this year is that in November my Nan was Promoted to Glory which was a very difficult time for all the family, but at least we can rest in the assurance that she is at peace and has taken her place with the Lord.

There were of course some good things to have happened this year including a great weekend working in Belgium and the Design for Life weekend. I also managed to accomplish four of the five things in my list of goals for 2009!

Looking ahead at 2010 there are many things to look forward to - weddings, exams, assignments, travel, tap classes and probably a whole load more things that even I haven't planned yet! One thing I will try to do in 2010 is to be a little more positive and not just blog when I'm down but blog when things are good too!

So I shall now bid you a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year.

Peace out!

Piano Concerto No. 2 - Rachmaninov

2009-10-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

"I thought I'd get my headstone done....Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed!"

Unlike Captain Blackadder, I'm not facing death in the trenches and I don't have to share said trench with a half-wit and Baldrick, but regardless of that, I'm still bloody annoyed.

To tell the truth the last couple of days haven't been the greatest couple of days. Today it has mostly stemmed from being absolutely knackered after getting a really bad nights sleep. I got a bad night sleep because I couldn't switch off after a less than impressive Monday.

Monday afternoon I had an interview for a role as supervisor at work, and even though I'd spent all week thinking through things and my past experience as in supervisory and managerial roles, looking at my strengths and weakness, even ironing my shirt and picking out a tie so I could go in all suited and booted, I came out of the interview feeling I'd let myself down. I honestly think I'd need a miracle to get that job. It's not that I said anything stupid, or that I cocked up massively it's just that I think that as interviews go it was pretty rubbish. Apart from the suit I didn't do enough to sell myself and as ever it bugs me that I could have done better and didn't.

One of the interesting questions to come out of the interview was when I was asked, "You don't like failure do you?". Now I would reckon one of my biggest strengths is that I know my weaknesses, and one of my biggest weaknesses (aside from being slightly cocky sometimes) is that I hate failure. I plan everything down to the last inch because I hate it when I fail and when things fail and whilst in the recent past I've grown to deal with failure better, I am now in a position where having looked at my hatred of failure, I am convinced that I have failed in something that I could so easily have got right.

I think I shall leave there for the time being as I should be studying and this is quickly turning into an incoherent rant, but I shall leave you with one last thought and I lie on my bed avoiding my assignments....

Here lies Christopher Wyles, and he's bloody annoyed.

Peace out.

Lollipop - The Dell Advert

2009-09-22T02:36:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I went to Design for Life.

Incredible!

I thoroughly encourage you to go if you get a chance! It was a great opportunity to meet new people and spend time with God and look at what he has planned for you life. It wasn't too heavy going, the food was okay and they only time they mention officership is when they tell you that they won't be mentioning officership. It was so great to get to spend the weekend away and share with people of a similar age and listen to their stories. It was also good to get to look at the gifts that God has given me in order to help his Kingdom grow.

I think this is also a good time to share a change with you. Eighteen days ago I made the decision that I needed to change the way I live my life. Nineteen days ago I was in the pub and had had a couple of drinks and the more I drank the more I realised that this wasn't what I was meant to be doing. I came home, sat on my bed and wept because I realised then that God had a plan for me and I had been hiding from it by sitting in the pub. So I sent off for DfL and then the following day was the first day in my "clean living". Now not drinking and smoking is going to be a challenge for me, but I've set the date in my diary of December 13th. December 13th will be 100 days of living life the way God wants me to and not just the way I want to.

I'm not sure if all that makes sense but that's the way it is.

Peace out!

These Are The Days of Elijah - Robin Mark

2009-09-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

It's mid to late September which can mean only one thing in the wonderful world of The Salvation Army. It's Annual Appeal time!

Now I know what you're thinking, two weeks of sticking envelopes through doors and then going back a few days later to ask for the back is a bit of a grind, and honestly - I thought so too until last night.

Last night was the first time for a couple of years that I've actually been collecting and far from it being the grind I remembered I was actually really touched. I went from door to door, rang the bell and expected to be told to piss off but instead I was greeted by people with envelopes loaded and ready, and if they weren't ready then they went off and filled it - or found me later and gave it to me. I found the generosity of my neighbours so overwhelming that I'm not ashamed to admit it almost moved me to tears.

Annual Appeal might be a bit of a grind, but once I remembered why I was doing it and with the encouragement of my generous neighbours it went from being a grind to being a pleasure.

That's it really - peace out!

Fairest Lord Jesus - Christy Nockels

2009-09-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was the Divisional Welcome Meeting for Officers moving into the division. I must admit I thoroughly enjoyed it - mainly because it was fairly "Traditional Army" and I do like a bit of trad. That, however, is not what I wanted to talk about.

After the meeting, as I walked back to the car with Dad, George and Kevin we got talking about injustice and the amount of injustice we see around us but that the church, on the whole, is too comfortable to do anything about. I know that sounds harsh but it sadly is true. It reminded me of a sermon General Gowans preached years ago, probably a good five or six years ago, at Commissioning. He stood there and reminded us that those Officers who had now been given their commissions and their appointment were doing what God has called us all to do by getting out of their comfort zones and taking the Word to the people. It's not very often that a sermon sticks with me, but this one did. Strangely it ties in with another sermon by General Larsson that I have an MP3 of. It's one of my favourite sermons because it stresses that the very foundation of the name of the Army is the centre of their name. Salvation for the people is what the Army is about.

Now this may sound a bit preachy, but it's true. Sadly I think that we forget all as Christians forget sometimes about what we're called to do. Look at it this way, Jesus was asked one day what was the greatest commandment and he said quoted Deuteronomy and Leviticus. He then went on to tell one of the most popular children's Bible stories - The Good Samaritan. I won't bother telling you it but you can find the whole lot in Luke 10:25-34. The Good Samaritan went out of his way to help someone he would never normally help, but he took him and cared for him. Why does this seem to be something that we often forget? We are all called by God to lift the fallen, perhaps we should try to be less like the Priest or the Levite and more like the Samaritan and get out of our comfort zones, roll up our sleeves and get involved where we're needed.

Now I know that this all sounds like I'm having a go and certain people in particular, but trust me I'm not. All I'm saying is that on the whole we've lost our way - myself included. Perhaps it's time we looked at the situations around us and try to see what God wants us to do there.

I think I shall leave my disjointed sermon there.

Peace out!

(On a lighter note read 2 Kings 2: 23-24, it's incredible!)

Men of Harlech - Fron Male Voice Choir

2009-08-21T16:23:00.001-07:00

I've literally just done something that I never expected from myself.

I've just filled in an application for "Design for Life". If you'd said to me this time last year that I'd be sat registering for DfL I would probably have laughed at you, but frankly so much has changed since this time last year that almost nothing would surprise me. Yes I'm still a miserable old bugger and I at least have some idea why I'm such a miserable bugger but I guess this is now me admitting defeat.

I don't think I'm going to be making any radical changes just yet, but I think it's about time I stopped pissing about and took the plunge. I will openly admit I haven't got a clue what I'm going to be doing with my life but I guess this is now me holding my hands up, waving the white flag and saying to God "Okay, I haven't got a clue - let's see what you want to do". Frankly, I don't think he can do any worse than I've already done so why not take the risk?

I know that sounds like I'm not taking this seriously but let me put it to you like this. Shortly before I went to Summer School I was at Peterhead proving my ineptitude on the bass guitar and Matthew Bennett preached on a text, Mark 2: 1-17, Jesus heals a paralysed man. Then once at Summer School a week later, the same passage was bought up again and again both by my parents, visitors from alove and Tre Sheppard at the Imagine Scotland event. These people didn't confer on the text they would use yet they all used the same text. If you don't know the story I'll give you it in brief.

Jesus is in a house and a whole bunch of people want to see him, so many in fact that not only is the house full but outside is too. No one can get anywhere near Jesus. Then there are these guys whose mate is paralysed. This guy can't get up, can't walk, can't do anything without these mates of his. These guys have heard about Jesus and they reckon that he might just be able to sort their buddy out, so they grab the guy on his mattress, lug him up the road and to the house. When they get there they realise that loads of other people have had the same idea and they can't get anywhere near him. But these chaps aren't but off by all the people blocking the way, instead they march up to the house (probably shifting a few folk out of the way in the process) and march up to the roof whilst carry their buddy. When they get there they rip a hole in the roof and drop their mate down to Jesus. Jesus looks at him and heals him.

Now these guys had enough faith that they thought nothing of ripping apart some poor guys house in order to get their friend sorted, so if I trust in and have faith in that same God why shouldn't I put my trust in him like that? I'm not about to rip apart houses or anything but surely if they had the faith that he would heal their buddy then he isn't going to let me down when all I need is a bit of direction?!

I think that's about it really.

Peace out.

BBC Radio 4

2009-08-18T06:20:00.001-07:00

Recently I've been listening to a lot of Radio 4, partly because I'm an old man and partly because there are actually some very interesting and funny programmes on it.

Yesterday afternoon I was walking home from work listening to one such interesting programme. It was an interview with the Rev Jesse Jackson, the first black man to run for the US Presidency. Whilst he talked about his upbringing and his life it made me think about prejudice. Many of the things he experienced were as a result of people's prejudices. It made me consider some of my own prejudices, particularly in my professional life but also in my personal life.

In order to reflect accurately on this I thought it would be beneficial to look up prejudice and prejudged in the dictionary in order to give myself something accurate to look at. These are the results I found:

Prejudice
–noun
1. an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.
2. any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.
3. unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.
4. such attitudes considered collectively: The war against prejudice is never-ending.
5. damage or injury; detriment: a law that operated to the prejudice of the majority

Prejudge
verb ( -judged, -judg⋅ing.)
1. to judge beforehand.
2. to pass judgment on prematurely or without sufficient reflection or investigation.

Now, everyone makes prejudgements, it's a simple fact of life but the difference is whether those prejudgements are based on facts or whether they are formed without prior knowledge of the situation. Looking at it like this made me really reflect on how often, particularly professionally, I will form an opinion which actually is quite prejudice. Just because I find one person on the phone to be annoying doesn't mean that every person I get on the phone that day is someone that I am going to end up shouting at. It is prejudice as it's not necessarily based on fact and I am now trying hard to remember that not all customers are the same.

However I think in my personal life the situation is different. If I form an opinion I will at least try to look at the facts before me and make an informed judgement based on them. I'm not saying that I have never been guilty of making a prejudiced decision but I think that, particularly in more recent years, I've looked at things more objectively and considered all the facts before available to me, so any prejudgement that I make is at least founded in truth. I'd like to believe that whilst some of the opinions and decisions I make based on these facts may not be particularly favourable, they are at least based on judgement of facts and not simply on misinformed preconceptions. If I'm wrong about this then I'm sure that someone will be kind enough to point it out.

That's about it really.

Peace out

Cheesy 80s Pop

2009-08-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

Music is not my choice for once but the music being played in Zara!

So, it's the start of August and in a couple of months I'm due to start studying with the Open University. I've started reading through some study guides and some of the information I've already been sent in preparation for when all the things for my course arrive

ARGH!

I'm trying to work out why I started this. It all seems so alien and so much work for something that I'm not all that excited about. I'm sure that once I start I'll enjoy it and all my issues with it will be gone, but at the moment I'm not sure what I've let myself in for. I'm stil not entirely sure I want to do this.

hmmm.

Not much else to say, just a brief ramble this evening - perhaps soon you'll be blessed with a full length blog, but until then.....

Peace out!

Gangster's Paradise - Coolio

2009-06-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah bet you didn't see that one coming!

So I've been doing a bit of thinking and reflection recently and coming up with the same conclusions I have done for a while, and as usual I will vent them here in the hope that I won't be saying the same thing this time next year.

In a little over two months I will be 22 and a proper grown up, and in those 22 years what have I acheived? I have a semi-respectable collection of books, CDs and records. I have a few friends, not many and I am terrible at keeping in touch with them, but I do have them. I have no real qualifications to speak of. I still live at home. I have an impressive amount of debt for someone who works full time. I am in another dead end job.

I often complain about these things and the answer I get from most people is - well what are you going to do about it? Well thus far here is the plan.... In October I am due to start studying with the Open University and whilst I'm still not sure I want to do it, it will give me something to build on. The debt is actually relatively easy to solve - stop spending so much money on crap and actually meet the payments on my credit card when they're due and not put it in the drawer and forget about it. The friends is a tough one - I know I need to be more social, to get out and meet some new people, form friendships, create relationships and actually have a life. Whilst I know I need to do this is, it obviously easier said than done, so I'll have to have a think about that one. The living at home? Not such a bad thing - there is almost no one I would live with so it is financially sound to stay at home particularly in such uncertain economic times. The dead end job? Well hopefully should I ever work hard enough and long enough to get this degree perhaps I'll move onto something bigger and better, but until then it will do me.

The only problem with saying all this is that I've said it before and I keep bailing on my own plans. However, if I can stick with the gym I'm sure I can stick at some of this stuff - you just might need to give me a prod every now and again!

Peace out.

Cannonball - Damien Rice

2009-06-06T06:53:00.001-07:00

I've discovered the wonders of Spotify which means the choice in music is going to get worse - and I'm not going to apologise for it anymore!

I think my blogs are a bit like buses, you wait for ages for one then two come along at once! Anyway, I've been doing a bit of thinking recently. In September I'm going to be 22. That means I'm going to be a real proper grown-up. When my parents were my age they were coming out of the Training College and going into a Corps, and now look at me. What am I doing? Sat in yet another dead end job. I've done bugger all with my life really - and don't see that improving much at the moment. Sure, in October I'm due to start studying, but even that isn't getting me as excited as I thought it would - there's still part of me that isn't sure whether I still want to do it or not. I know I back out of almost everything I do, and I'm probably just going through one of my usual down phases, but all this thinking has made me realise that I'm going to be 22 and stuck in the same rut I was a year ago.

I'm going to leave the blog there because I don't actually have anything I want to say, I'm just rambling.

Peace out.

Welcome To My World - Jim Reeves

2009-06-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am listening to the above track and yes I will be removing my ears and my stereo so I can no longer offend the world with some of my choices in music.

So it's that time again when I think I should probably blog so that you don't forget about me and I don't forget about my blog!

This blog was about to be about my travels and after writing quite a lot I decided that wasn't what I wanted to blog about, so here we go again.

About a month ago I did something that got a lot of laughs, a lot of mocking and lots of disbelief. I joined the gym. Now I know what you're thinking - you hate exercise?! Well I thought that too but I realised after coming back from Belgium that I needed to get into shape a bit so thought I'd join the gym and believe it or not I love it. I go most days - I sign in, say hello to the receptionist, grab a couple of towel and then spend the next hour working up a sweat then another hour swimming and relaxing. Whilst sat in the sauna the other day I was doing some thinking. What is it that I love so much about the gym and more particularly why do I love that gym so much, and I think I came up with a couple of answers.

The first answer is easy - I love the gym because believe it or not it's exercise I can do and there's no pressure to it at all. I also love it because I'm in better shape now than ever before and I'm improving all the time.

The why I love the gym gets a similar answer, I love the gym because it's changed my life. I'm more conscious about what I eat and drink, and I'm feeling the benefits from it not only physically but emotionally and mentally too. I'm more comfortable with my body than I ever have been before and whilst it's not quite the body I'm aiming for, it's getting there slowly but surely. The added bonus to that is that because I like my body and the way I feel in it, I'm feeling happier as a person. I take more pride in how I look, I check myself out when I walk past a reflective surface (which whilst being a terrible habit is a complete change to the way I used to be!) and I'm feeling more confident and outgoing. The other reason I came up with is a bit deeper. I love the gym because it is mine, just mine. Everywhere else in my love seems to have links to other people and other times and other relationships - be it Zara where I've gotten myself into trouble, ASDA where I worked, the Army where it's the Army - almost everywhere in my life reminds me of things in the past and other people and sometimes that can upset me. The gym though is mine - nothing of any great significance has ever happened in my life in that gym and so the only memory it holds for me is that it is my safe place to hide away, pump some iron and march on the treadmill.

I think that about sums up my praise of the gym.

Peace out.

Vanguard - Hendon Band

2009-05-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

I know, I know it's been a while since I blogged and when I do reappear it's listening to dodgy band music. Truth is I've kind of forgotten about blogging. I think about doing it but don't really know what to say.

A couple of weeks ago now I went to Belgium to do some work and on the way there wrote an epic blog but as the Internet connection on the train was so unreliable I didn't publish it as I could never get it finished properly. Once I finished with the blog and eventually gotten home I'd given up on the blog mainly as the thoughts and feelings it contains aren't quite as applicable anymore. Well it not that they're not applicable, just not thoughts and feelings I want to be thinking and feeling at the moment.

I don't think I'm much sense at the moment, and I guess that's the point. I'm not making sense. I spend a disproportionate amount of time contemplating my life and all it's pitfalls and failings, but do I ever do anything about it? I guess the answer to that would be no. I've come to see myself a bit like a moth. Moths want to get to the darkness around the fire but in order to do that they fly straight into the flame. They're attracted to what is bad for them and that's a lot like me. Whenever things don't go quite how I planned what do I do? The things that are bad for me. I drink too much, I smoke, I get grumpy and what does it achieve other than a headache and a lot of nagging from everyone involved? Not very much really. If I actually took the time and effort to sort out my life a little and make some sense then perhaps I wouldn't be quite as drawn to the things that are bad for me.

I think I should leave my ramble there.

Peace out

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

2009-04-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

Laura Tribble you can now stop complaining.

It's been a little while but I'm back to blog again. Obviously my few devoted readers will by now have realised that the only time I blog is usually to get something off my chest whether it be good or bad, usually bad.

I've been deliberately not blogging recently for the simple reason that the only thing I feel strongly enough about to blog about is something that is far too personal to actually go into detail online, although most of you around me will know what that is.

Before I start on my blog for proper, and I realise I've already done a fair bit of waffling I want to retract something from my previous blog and also retract something I've said to a couple of friends in the last couple of weeks. Much as I, and certain friends will agree, need to see someone about the way I've been feeling recently I've decided, obviously against the advise of said friends, not to do so. I know I said I would and that I should but quite frankly going to see someone seems rather melodramatic to me. I know I haven't had the easiest upbringing but lets face it, it's hardly been the most difficult, and whilst that and many other thing effect the way I feel and whilst I am exceptionally good at bottling things up, I don't think it would be particularly useful to go unbottling it all now. It wouldn't be pretty and the last thing I want right now is to be more fucked than I already am. I'm well aware that "fucked" isn't the best way of describing the way I feel, and swearing is neither big nor clever, but actually it's probably a pretty accurate description.

I now realise I'm not actually sure where this blog was meant to go, I had something I wanted to say. I've been formulating it in my head all day. Something about the youth of today, decline of society and numerous other middle class middle aged cliches but to be honest its escaping me now I've begun a short waffle on how I'm actually feeling. I think it might be best to cut this short because I really don't know where this, or I, am going.

Peace out.

To Where You Are - G4

2009-04-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

I know my choice in music is both diverse and terrible, and for once my blog title is actually a song title rather than a TV show, but recently I've felt the urge to listen to a lot more sad bastard music, and finally I have gotten around to blogging. Funnily enough I have intended to blog before now but I haven't quite worked out what I want to say, and truth be told I still haven't.

I guess my problem right now is that I am feeling insanely lonely, and not only because all of my family have gone away. Despite my recent busy schedule of work and social engagements, I still find myself feeling incredibly low and lonely. I know it's weird. I'm seeing more of my friends, more often. I'm speaking to people I haven't spoken to in years, and yet when I'm left to sit and dwell with my thoughts I feel terrible. I should be thankful. I have more friends than I thought I had, I've been out more times than I ever thought I would do in one week, and yet I still feel alone, sad and generally quite lost.

This week I received my registration details for the OU course I want to do in October, and whilst I think it would be great for me and that it would be something I'd find interesting, I don't know if I want to do it anymore. In fact I don't know what I want to do at all. I looked recently at my goals for this year and whilst I've managed to do three out of five, if I wrote a list for the next five years, I would be completely lost.

I think I need some help, and not just the help of friends and family but some actual real help. I think I need to sort some things out because, and this will come as no surprise to most people, I think I have a few things I really need to sort out. Not just recent things but things I've been blocking out for too long. I'm actually starting to worry that unless I get things sorted I really will lose it.

Anyone got the number for a good therapist?

Peace out.

Blackadder Goes Forth

2009-03-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

Prepare for a blog that makes me sound much older than I actually am...

I am in dispair for the state of our nation. I have spent the evening in the company of a few young people, almost all of whom were several years younger than myself. I am genuinely in dispair for the future of our nation. Drinking too much, crying outside, picking fights and making no sense at all. How our nation hopes to make it through a global recession and the possible depression is absolutely beyond me. I mean, I'm hardly a model example but at the very least I know that sometimes you need to keep a level head and be a bit mature, but watching those guys tonight it was unbelievable.

I just couldn't understand it! Why would you want to be in that sort of state. In truth I have been in the state where I've been so drunk I've been throwing up, but it's not quite as bad as singing in front of the TV screen, crying your eyes out and generally being and embaressment.

Call me old fashioned, and it is old fashioned, but tonight has lead me to believe that the pub is a place for men and not for women. They just don't understand the principles of standard pub etiquette. Why make so much noise, dance around and pick fights? I just don't understand it.

One of the young ladies is training to be a midwife. I swear, if that is an example of our midwives then I shall gladly find a revolver and blow my brains across the wall to spare my children the torture of a midwife like that.

Much as I would like this to be a long winded moaning blog, I shall leave it here or else I will just keep ranting,

Peace out.

Hollyoaks - Channel 4

2009-03-27T11:50:00.001-07:00

Okay so we've got to the end of the week, here's the update..

As far as I can see, I still have a job. There are been redundancies made but I'm not 100% sure where. Thanks to everyone for all your prayers and support.

Obviously if you would like to keep praying it would be great, prayers are always appriciated.

Peace out!

Its Like That - Run DMC

2009-03-20T04:12:00.001-07:00

This is truly incredible!

Golden Balls - itv1

2009-03-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Well it's been quite a day today. If I went into details about all the things racing through my head this would be a very long blog. However, I've decided to put aside my thoughts for the day and the questions I've been posing myself because these can wait for another time. Instead I'm going to do something I didn't actually think I'd so on here.

You may have received a text message from me today and if you didn't this applies to you too.

Today at work we were told that the company needs to lose 10% of it's work force, this totals about 20 people across the whole of the London side of the company. We find out in the next week whether we still have jobs or not. So this is the most obvious blog and request I could possibly write.

Get praying people. Not just for me, but for the people I work with and for those who do lose their jobs. Sadly, this is unavoidable in the current economic circumstances but it's not a nice time for anyone involved so prayerful support for my colleagues and their families would be great.

Thanks.

Peace out

Supersize vs Superskinny - Channel 4

2009-03-17T13:31:00.001-07:00

Okay so two blogs in one day is highly unusual for me but I was challenged this evening and thought it worth noting.

I was going to Tesco Express to buy some junk food to eat whilst watching Supersize vs Superskinny, when a friend I haven't seen for a while called to me from the window of his car. Now this is nothing unusual because he always says hello on the rare occasion he actually sees me, but today he actually challenged me without meaning to. We went through all the pleasantries of how are you, hows work, and then just as he was pulling away he leaned out of his window and asked me to pray for someone.

Right there in the middle of the street! Right outside Tesco! There was a man at the cashpoint and everything and it didn't phase him!

Why was I so shocked at this? I profess to be a Christian and why should it shock me for another Christian to ask me to pray for someone. It played on my mind all the way home.

Maybe I should be more open with other Christians with my faith and who needs praying for? Why should it just be specials occasions when we ask someone else for prayer support? Why can't we just drop it into conversation when we see eachother?

Peace out!

Just A Closer Walk With Thee - James Morrison

2009-03-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

First off - not the dodgy vocalist James Morrison but the Australian original with a trumpet.

Now I've got the important part cleared up, time for my blog. Today's blog is about books again.
Due to massive call volumes at work I haven't had quite as much time to read and so I'm still reading the same two books, and whereas last time my blog was mainly based on "If you want to walk on water.." today's blog is about my second book. High Fidelity.

For those reading this book who know what this book means to me, I know what you're thinking. "Not another moaning blog" "Get a grip boy" and "Here we go again". Alas my few devoted readers you are sadly mistaken. Yes this book used to fill me with fear, self loathing and doubt but today it revealed something to me.

For those of you that have read this book you will know that at the start of the book the lead character, Rob Fleming, is an avid record collector and record shop owner who has just broken up with his girlfriend (Laura) and lives his life in lists of Top 5s and Top 10s and essentially is stuck in a rut because of the relationships he's been in over the past 35 years. Well, whilst I'm not quite 35, I too for a long while found myself in the same rut. Where my biggest interest was records and acquiring more of them. As the book goes on, through some soul searching, more self loathing, confronting his past, sleeping with an American recording artist and a funeral, his life eventually turns back round.

It is during a conversation that he has once he has been newly reunited with his Laura that he realises that its not the people that were his problem it was him, and in the time that they've been together he has changed without noticing. Not massive changes, he does after all still own a record shop and several hundred records, but still he's changed. He's come out of himself and he isn't quite as grumpy as he used to be. It was this that struck me. There was a time, not all that long ago, where I was grumpy and slightly reclusive, but all that changed. I'm not going to go into great depths because if you read this, you obviously know me, have some idea of the changes and why the changes came about but still, for once in my life, I read this book and I didn't find myself in the Rob Fleming at the start of the book, morose and monosyllabic, but I began to find myself more and more in the Rob Fleming towards the end of the book. The Rob Fleming who realised that whilst he wasn't quite as happy with his life as he could have been, he realised that he had changed sufficiently in time, and learnt suddenly that in order to grow you need to allow not only other people to change but to allow yourself to change too.

I guess this has been a lesson to me, I knew I'd changed but looking at myself now compared to just a year or so, its incredible how much I have changed in small ways, but at least I'm not quite so obsessive about my record and CD collection.

Finally, and only very quickly, my other book - "If you want to walk on water.." continues to challenge me. As do conversations that seem to keep coming up with people around me.

I think that just about sums it up for today.

Peace out.

The Logical Song - Supertramp

2009-03-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

If you've been following my blog and Facebook Status, this is not the blog you might expect.

This last week I've had quite a big blow to life as I know it, and whilst I would usually rant and rave about it in the comfort of my blog, I've decided it is neither the time nor the place to do it. How can I realistically blog about something that I haven't quite got to grips with yet?

Tonight, however, I intend to blog about something else. Books!

I have been reading two books today. Nick Hornby's "High Fidelity", and John Ortberg's "If You Want To Walk On Water You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat".

"High Fidelity" is a book I know cover to cover, back to front, and upside down. And yet, as I've started reading it again today, I've discovered something. It, as yet, doesn't instill the same ominous fear and self loathing as it used to. Believe it or not, where this book used to scare me because I used to associate too much with the lead character, I no longer fear that life of lonliness because I've actually spent the last year being quite happy.

This is where book two comes in "If you want to walk on water...". This book, unlike the other 25 books I've read since starting with my current employer, actually offers me a life challenge rather than just making me depressed like "High Fidelity" used to.

I've been happy the past year because I've been content and comfortable with what I've got, and this "High Fidelity" cannot take away, but "If you want to walk on water..." can. This book is already challenging me, despite not having read it all yet. It's made me realise that despite all the things I enjoy, whether it is the my job, the life I lead, my relationships or anything else you may care to mention, there is a plan that God has for me. I've always known that God has a plan for me, but this book is making me realise more and more that whatever that plan is, I don't have much of a choice! Obviously I can fight it, but God will make is perfectly clear what he wants me to do and like it or not, I'll end up giving up and doing what he wants from me. It might not fit with what I want, but let's face it, God is a pretty big bloke and I don't stand much of a chance against The Almighty no matter big a fight I might put up!

Peace out!

Top Gear

2009-03-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

So obviously I haven't been listening to Top Gear, but I have been watching it for the vast majority of today.

Last night I had a pretty good night with a good friend. We watched movies, ate chesse, drank wine, sang at the piano, went for a walk, and it was a pretty good night. Although despite all of these great things, the best part for me was having some company. I know I'm getting into one of those little depressed rants that I go on sometimes, but it's true.

The last week or so hasn't been the best week for me. The thing is I'm feeling pretty lonely at the moment. I guess that's probably because I've spent all of today on my own.

I'm not sure what I'm actually trying to write about anymore. I'm just waffling on, perhaps in the hope someone might read this, but mainly because I just need to get some stuff out of my system. I really don't know how I feel any more. I hate being on my own sometimes, and yet at this point in time I would be terrible company because I just wouldn't be in the mood to do anything. I just feel really 'heavy' at the moment. It almost feels like I'm carrying a massive weight around with me. There's only really one area of my life that is bringing me down at the moment, but the more I think on that the more I can feel the overflow into the rest of my life. I hate the way I get so frustrated with my life sometimes, and yet I still can't find a way to do anything about it.

If I was to read back over all the blogs I've ever written on here, the vast majority are highly depressing and they're all generally along the same lines. The thing is, they all have the same key factor in them that causes this to continue - me. I need to do some serious work on myself and get some stuff sorted. I just don't really know where to start.

Ramble over - peace out.

Sway - Dean Martin

2009-03-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Just a short one.

My previous blog was needlessly depressing. Perhaps poetry and piloting a keyboard under the influence of alcohol isn't the wisest of ideas! Cheer up!

Peace out.

Piano Concerto No 2 - Rachmaninov

2009-03-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

Not my words tonight..

I look into my glass,
And view my wasting skin,
And say, 'Would God it came to pass
My heart had shrunk as thin!'

For then, I, undistrest
By hearts grown cold to me,
Could lonely wait my endless rest
With equanimity.

But Time, to make me grieve,
Part steals, part lets abide;
And shake this fragile frame at eve
With throbbings of noontide.

Thomas Hardy 1840-1928

Calon Lan - Glyn Williams

2009-02-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

How fucking sad is it when you have to pay for your "friends" night out? I mean seriously, I will happily pay for my friends to drink, but if that is what it takes to get people to spend time with you it can't say too much for your relationships.

I really do feel like I have no one at the moment. I know who I want but I'm not sure they want me..

Peace out homies

The Humming Chorus - Puccini

2009-02-22T10:35:00.001-08:00

It's going to be a long one today I'm afraid so I thought a few pictures mights help to make the time pass. Although having said that, there isn't too much I want to say, but we all know how I like to ramble.

So where to start? Well as usual, I'm feeling a bit down, but at the same time I have a couple of things I'm quite happy about. I guess I'm feeling down for the same reasons as I usually do, that I'm not overly happy, I want to do soemthing different, get out there and see the world but I am, as usual far too skint to consider it. (note- I'm currently watching salmons get it on and it's rather weird - thank you BBC1!) Anyway where was I? Ah yes! Money! Bit of a bitch isn't it. Tonnes of it about and I never seem to have any! Now I'm not going to start pointing fingers and blaming the present financial climate for my eternal skintness. I know why I never have any money - because when I do, I spend it all on things that actually I probably don't need. Did you know I have 30 books on my bookshelf that I've never read! That's more books than most teenagers own (obviously excluding educational textbooks but they don't count). So pretty most of my moaning at the moment is because payday is a whole week away and it can't come quick enough!

Obviously that isn't the only reason I'm moaning. I guess I'm also moaning because I keep thinking that I've missed out on something by not sticking at school and going onto Higher Education. (Another picture? Let's go for it! All will become apparent). I guess part of this moaning about Higher Education etc is because through all the books I've been reading, whilst they haven't all necessarily been through the entire education system, they all have the type of life that means they obviously has been. Not only the people in books though, but the people I know who are currently at University who get to see amazing things. If I think about Laura for just a moment, this year she has the opportunity to go to Africa, Iceland and Wales. Granted Wales isn't quite as exotic, but that's not the point. I love to travel, I like to be on the move and I do wish now that I had stuck it out and perhaps I could have gone off with my camera to see the sights.

Although having said that, if I had stayed in school and if I had gone off travelling with a camera then I wouldn't be sat in the kitchen in our house in Dyce, having just finished work. I wouldn't have the mates I do - that I have already said I will be paying more attention to. Most importantly I wouldn't have my amazing girlfriend, the infamous Laura.

Today, Sunday 22nd February 2009, is a very special day. It is offically one year since Laura relented and agreed to be my girlfriend again. I spent a wonderful couple of days with the lovely Laura in St Andrews and we celebrated both our Anniversary and Valentine's Day over three days. For all the moaning I do about my life and all my general grumpiness, Laura somehow manages to stick it out and so I shallt take the chance now, at the close of my longish blog to say a massive thank you and even massiver (I know this isn't a word!) I love you, to my amazing Laura.

I reckon that just about covers things, I'll be back at the end of the week after spending an evening in the "Bam and Baby" with two highly suspect characters.

Peace out!

The Lord Bless You And Keep You - John Rutter

2009-02-20T01:12:00.000-08:00

Despite my choice of track today I am not about to post a holy blog! I do, however, want to touch on the blog I post perhaps a couple of weeks ago where I was searching for the reset button and generally moaning about my lot in life.

It is tempting to post another blog along those lines, but instead I have come to a decision. As I am well aware that there is no reset button in life, I decided that given my little computer know-how I would do what I do when the computer breaks (please ride this analogy out - it's cheesy but it works!). So as I was saying, with there being no reset button I decided that like with my computer I needed to do three things 'Alt, Ctrl and Del'! Yes, that's right, I did use a terrible pun, but it works. I might not be able to reset life, but I can ALTer some things, ConTRoL others and DELete the things that really weren't worth the hassle in the first place.

How do I plan on doing this I hear you cry? Well for a start it means I have to put some effort into areas of my life that for one reason or another have been neglected in the last year or so. Therefore the first thing on my list is to start going to Cell Groups and get some spiritual teaching. Due to my Sunday working it has meant I haven't been able to attend anywhere regularly, but at least by attending Cell Groups I can try and get some spiritual teaching in order to make some progress where it's needed. It has also come to my attention that I have been neglecting something else over the past year or so, and that is my mates! A couple of weeks ago I had the honour and priviledge of spending an evening in the company of the other two amigoes. It made me realise it's about time I put some more effort into actually seeing my mates and not just seeing my girlfriend!

As for the other things in my life that need some work? Well we'll both have to wait and see what happens there!

Peace out x

Nothing But The Best - Frank Sinatra

2009-02-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

So this evening I've been listening to Old Blue Eyes himself! That's right ladies and gentlemen, I've spent the evening in the company of Frank Sinatra. Okay well perhaps I haven't actually been with him his evening (because he's dead) or even to a tribute (because it's snowing and arsed with that). I have, however, spent the evening listening to Frank for one very simple reason - karaoke!

That's right you heard me correctly! I am one of the very few people actually sad enough to prepare karaoke in advance, and with the prospect of another night out with the pain in the neck that is Jules, I figured I should really have some new material. So next time you see me rock, or more perhaps more appropriately swing, up to the microphone. Don't be surprised if one or two of my old favourites have been replaced by something new.

Peace out folks and don't worry...I'll still do it

MY WAY!

Folsom Prison Blues -Johnny Cash

2009-02-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

Okay so it's been almost two months to the since I last made a post. Mainly because I haven't really got around to it but apparently some people actually read these so I figured I'd write something although it will probably won't reach any specific point.

As usual I've been doing some thinking recently and, as usual, it's all mighty depressing stuff. Granted since I last posted on here my life has picked up. The job is much better than I thought, I'm reading lots, I'm getting set to do some studying in the autumn and I'm actually progressing fairly well in a job that might not have a whole lot of potential for a future but at least they're training me up as much as they can. I'm still in a loving relationship with a girl I absolutely adore. I have friends, not many, but those I do have I do appriciate and I know I don't make nearly enough effort to keep in contact with. So why the depressing thoughts?

Well I guess for one thing I've continued thinking about my own mortality. Obviously I know I'm going to depart from this planet sooner or later, but it seems to me that for someone as happy I should be, I spend far too much time thinking about the quickest way out. This isn't to say I'm considering it - I'm pretty sure I wouldn't score too highly on Pierce's Suicide intent scale. However despite this I still can't help thinking about what it would be like to end it all and also how it would effect those around me. Obviously close family and friends would be upset and would mourn me, but how many people would come to my funeral. Not only how many, but who?

I guess part of the reason I've been in this mindset is the gradual realisation that perhaps in the 21 years and 4 months I've been alive I've made a bit of a hash of things.

Anyone know where the reset button is?

Peace out

O Holy Night - Il Divo

2008-11-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

Usual type of blog today I'm afraid. Granted it's been a while since I actually posted a blog, that's not to say I hadn't thoought about it, just that I couldn't really be bothered to spend the time to type things for one person to read. So here is my usual ramble of self pity...

Lately I've spent some more time thinking of my own mortality and even more recently the mortality of the people closest to me. In the most basic way of putting things, we're all going to die and that idea actually strikes some fear into me. Not just the idea that I will die one day, that one thing I am fully prepared for! I expect to die, not in a blaze of glory but more through the pain and fading agony of cancer as the excesses of my youth take their toll on my senior years. That one thing I can cope with, albeit somewhat surprisingly! The thing I'm really struggling with is that the people I love will one day die, and some sooner than others. I know this is incredibly morbid, but please indulge me for a while whilst I ramble on.

Recently I've been reading the book "Man and Boy" by Tony Parsons, and I would recommend it as it is an excellent book, very much in the same style as Nick Hornby, but I'm not here to talk about books - no I'm here to talk about death.

Recently my grandad has suffered a spell of ill health and this has made me realise that whilst in my perspective as his grandson, he hasn't got any older than when I was a child, in actual fact he has. He's a whole twenty one years older than he was when I was born. In those twenty one years he has grown older, he's retired and he's began to slow his life down a little. Now my grandad is a Yorkshire lad and like my most people from Yorkshire he isn't one to be told what to do and so he carries on as if his age and recent ill health has had very little effect on him, yet we can all recognise that it has. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whilst I understand that age catches up with us all one day. I'd always thought that my grandad would always be there and recently it's begun to dawn on me more and more that the people we love will one day die. Not because they choose to, or because they want to leave us, but because it's time for them to go and I can quite honestly say I don't want to lose him or anyone else in my family because I love them and perhaps I don't tell them enough. In fact as I write this it dawns on me that I don't actually remember any time as a fully grown, fully fledged, ellegable to vote adult, I have ever actually told my grandparents that I love them and that is something that I have realised I should have done. This has nothing to do with it being American Thanksgiving shortly, but I must say that I am very greatful for the love and support both sets of grandparents have shown for me over the past twenty one years.

I'm going to leave it here, not because I don't have anything more to say but because I've suddenly realised I have more important things to be doing than writing this.

Peace out for now.

Born On The Fourth Of July

2008-11-08T00:15:00.001-08:00

Okay scary stuff....

I finally resigned from my job. It was about time I did it, but now I'm feeling a little nervous, but but also very excited. This gives me a chance to get out there and find out what I really want to do. I'm well well aware that November possibly isn't the best time to do it but I had to go and so off I did!

Fortunately to help me get used to it I'm spending the weekend with my wonderful girlfriend and her family in Edinburgh.

So watch this space and you never know.....I could be coming to a job near you very soon!

Peace out

A Variety of Stuff

2008-11-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

Okay not quite sure what to write in this one.

Having a rather crap time at the moment. I have some unexpected time off work at the moment, for one very simple reason. I have again, been suspended, again, under false alligations.

My biggest fear is that as it is another false allegation and if it come back with the same result as last time, that's it. I'm fired. Finished. And worse unemployed.

I've spent the last two days frantically job hunting, handing my CV to any shop that will take it, emails CVs to any company that seems to be looking for something I'm capable of, and of course filling out more Christmas Temp applications than I know what to do with.

I have also written a rather eloquent resignation to tell my present employers where they can stick their job whether they actually try to fire me or not.

That's about it.

Peace Out

"Yeah Thanks"

2008-10-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

"Yeah Thanks"

Never before have two words been quite so important to me.

This evening, the evening of Sunday 26 October 2008 I did something I never thought was possible. Something I never ever thought would happen. Something that if I were to die now I would die a very very happy chappy.

I met Dylan Moran!

This guy is my favourite comedian. Since the very first moment I discovered him I have found him to be hysterical and now I have finally spoken to him. It's really stupid given he said two words to me but I am so chuffed about it. Some people dream of meeting Bon Jovi (Callum!) or Sir Alex or any other celebrity type person, but to me Dylan Moran is the one person that I have always wished I could meet and have actually now spoken to him and whilst it was just two words, I shall never be able to watch Black Books again without feeling the warm glow of satisfaction that came from speaking to the man that I find to be some incredible.

Before I sign off this evening I would like to say one last thing and that is an apology. Laura, I am very sorry but you will be hearing about this at least until I meet Bill Bailey!

Peace out!

Brassed Off!

2008-10-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

The title today is quite fitting!

I am well and truly brassed off. I finally make some progress and do what I thought was the right thing and it blows up in my face.

Thats all.

Peace.

Friends

2008-10-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so technically I'm not listening to it, I'm watching it, but it is quite fitting really.

It's Saturday night, my family is away and I'm sat at home on the sofa watching telly.

Alone.

It's stupid, because there are people I could text or call and invite round. If my brother was here the house would be full and I would be complaining about it. It just doesn't make sense.

Actually it probably does. Most of the people I know in Aberdeen are, to the best of my knowledge, in town at my brother's gig. However, why does that stop me from dropping them a text on the off chance they aren't at said gig?

Easy...I'm not convinced they actually want to spend the evening with me.

That's it, not going to rant all night.

Peace out

Dyce at night

2008-09-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

Usual kind of blog this evening I'm afraid.

Not in such a great mood. I'm feeling down for all sorts of reasons and not one in particular.

I've spent a great deal of time in recent days thinking about where I am. Not in a geographical sense, but in a respect to my place on this revolving semi-spherical object orbiting the sun. I mean. Really? What am I doing here? I don't seem to be going anywhere fast. I'm in a pretty dead end job, I live at home, I have no plans in particular to speak of, we're coming up to my least favourite time of year. It's basically one of those times where I think I really should start looking into getting some help. Let's face it, chances are I'm depressed, yet the funny thing is, whist I spend so much time feeling rubbish, I've gotten used to it now and actually think that perhaps, maybe, just maybe, I like it this way.

I know I complain alot about my work, and you would too....but despite that, I won't go out and find something new. I guess part of the reason is because I'm pretty lazy and the other is because I'm comfortable with this little rut I'm stuck in.

I'm happy to say that despite feeling like this, I havn't resorted to my usual hide aways of High Fidelity and strong alcohol, but even that feels a little odd. Not so much the alcohol thing, because I am well aware of how dangerous drinking away lifes problems is, but the High Fidelity thing. It sounds stupid, I mean, it's just a film! But its become my comfort blanket in times like this and yet for some reason, even though I feel rotten, I don't feel the need to watch it a thousand times, or even to reorganise my records and CDs. Actually, if I'm honest, the only reason I havn't had my CDs out on the floor is because there isn't space at the moment!

The other problem I have is, that despite work being a pain in the ass, I still find that I don't want to leave because I feel safe there, hiding in a cupboard at the back of the warehouse where no one bothers me, and I'm left to get on with life with very few visitors.

I shall now cut my moan short there because I don't wish to bore to death anyone who reads this.

Peace out homies

Warsaw Concerto - Addinsell

2008-09-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

Somewhat of a strange one today...

I'm not in a good mood. I'm feeling down and threatened and I'm not sure why.

Lie.

I know exactly why, but I don't know why I am.

I have no reason to be threatened and yet I am because I keeping thinking.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I didn't think.

Peace out

Adagio for Strings

2008-09-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

Further to my post a littel earlier on today. I've spent some time this even contemplating how things could have been.

A little under a year ago I made an incredibly big mistake, a mistake from which the repercussions are still felt. That mistake could have lost me everything that I now realise means so much to me. I was stupid and for some reason, even though I thought I'd forgiven myself for making the mistake, I still beat myself up about it.

Why is it that everyday when I wake up one of the first things I do is to continue to beat myself up because I made a mistake. The stupid thing is that the person that I really hurt with said mistake, has forgiven me, and yet I still can't bring myself to do the same.

It's actually getting to the point where I am considering seeking professional help to try and sort myself out. I guess its not helped by the fact that some night its keeps me lying awake in my bed running it all through my head.

I think I'd best leave it there before I continue to berate myself online just like I will for the next hour or so anyway.

Peace

Rachmaninov (still!)

2008-09-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

After a recent conversation I have been prompted to do some thinking.

The thinking has mainly been about what could have been. Not just through my own choices but through things that were out of my control. For example, had I not left the school in Birmingham and moved to London, then perhaps I would have done better in my GCSEs and maybe gone on to do A Levels and then University and maybe I would be happier, or have more idea about what career I'd like.

Perhaps had I not made choices about doing certain things with certain people then maybe I would be happier than I am now, or maybe I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

I guess the problem with this is that its all well and good thinking about what could have been but concentrate on what's good in my life.

I'm not going to sit here and list whats good and whats bad, but just be satisfied that there are many things in life that have put me where I am, and not all of them are good.

Peace out

Piano Concerto No. 2 - Rachmaniov

2008-09-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling rather down at the moment.

I am now 21 and to be honest, the celebrations weren't all that great, but did get to spend 5 days with my amazing girlfriend so that was worth it.

I guess the point of this blog is, well actually I'm not sure what it is!

I've spent the past few days being incredibly happy, with a couple of down times but pretty much happy all the way through, despite having a rather rubbish brithday night out. The thing that made it all so great was having Laura here, and now she's gone home, because she had to go home, but now I feel exactly how I felt before she came up. I feel down and sad and lonely and my eyes burn from holding back tears when I sit and realise just how much I miss her.

Now I know that we both our lives so we have to be apart sometimes, but I don't like it! Okay that came out wrong! I like that we both have lives but I don't like being apart!

I want to be with her all the time because I love her. It sounds really clingy and desperate, and I guess in some respects it is, and I know what I'm about to say is really cliched but I'll say it anyway. I don't just miss her because she's my girlfriend and I love, but I miss her because she's my best friend too. Of all the people in the world (family excluded) I know that whatever happens, wherever I am, she's always there for me. So whenever I'm feeling about down, I know that whatever she's doing she always makes time just to listen to whatever it is I want to moan about.

So before I spend the next several hours going on and on about how amazing my Laura is, I shall leave it at that, go and shower, and hopefully feel a little less bummed out later on.

Peace out!

Karma Chameleon (Culture Club)

2008-08-24T05:34:00.000-07:00

Okay so I havn't actually been listening to it, but it leads nicely into something that I've been thinking about over the past couple of days.

Karma

Not to be confused with the popular curry dish, Korma, karma is the belief that if you do good, good will come back to you and if you do bad then obviously bad things will happen.

Now I'm going to be honest, I've always thought all this karma stuff was nonsence, and its a belief I still hold (bring on the bad stuff for saying that one!) but I guess when you think about it, perhaps there is some sense to the belief. I mean in science, I think it's physics, every action has a reaction. Look at gravity and friction and things like that, I guess you could say it is a type of scientific karma. So surely if it pans out like this scientifically, and as we all know, science rules everything, then surely everything that we do must have a reaction.

My thinking therefore has gone a little like this. I don't believe that by doing good, good things will happen. Neither to I believe that by doing bad things, bad things will happen. I guess what I believe is this. That there are consequences for the things we do. I know this seems pretty much the same as karma, but in my opinion it is not. From my understanding, karma says that if you do something good, something good will happen to you at some time in the future. Whereas, the way I believe it, then the consequences of what you do may be good or bad, obviously depending on what your deed was in the first place. Make sense? No didn't think so!

Cut down to size, what I think I'm saying is this. Karma and consequences are different. With karma, if I do good now then one day something good will happen to me as a reward, whereas the consequences of an action usually have an immediate effect and will always be connected with the original act.

If any of this makes any sense, please be sure to let me know!

Peace out homies!

Classic FM

2008-08-18T07:22:00.001-07:00

ARGH!

I'm fed up.

I'm stuck in a dead end job and would rather like a new one, however can't seem to find anything that I like the look of. So, I've decided to apply for everything! Any job that pops up, I will apply for....why? Because I'm sick and tired of being stuck doing the same thing day in day out for absolutely no thanks. It's ridiculous! I come in everyday and I go and sit in the exact same office and do the exact same things with very few exceptions. The beauty of it all is, when something goes wrong, they complain at me.....why? They never even trained me to do the bloody job in the first place! I've taught myself pretty much everything! It's a waste of my time and energy. I need something new, something I'm going to at least mildly enjoy, something that doesn't involve putting on the same uniform 5 days a week and being ignored until I either make a mistake or they want something that isn't my job anymore since they gave me the boot! So in the absence of actually handing in my notice and I find another job, please consider this my two weeks notice.

Yours sincerely,

Hacked Off, of Aberdeen.

lots of God stuff

2008-08-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

Okay well I've been at Imagine since Tuesday (today being Friday) and its been a bit up and down. It took me a couple of days to really get into it and get used to the difference between this and Music School, and on the whole it's been good fun. As with anything like this there are high points and low points, both spiritually and otherwise. The weather was fine until this morning when it was rather wet, in fast it was very wet! I think I got more wet on my walk from the shower to my tent than I did in the shower....and the rain was probably warmer! So yeah, that's pretty much Imagine in a nutshell, I'm not going to go into all the spiritual high points and the seminars I've attended and all the speakers that have said something profound, mainly because I'm not in the mood too.

I am currently filled with alot of concern and doubt and fear, and it's not about my spiritual life like most people probably have at a time like this, it's more about whether by the end of this God worshipping, arm waving, tent sleeping, happy clappy marathon I will still have the girlfriend that I love so much. It sound stupid but I'm am pretty convinced that as she sits and writes something that is pages long in her notebook, she is either writing down all the good things God has done and going over all her high and low points like Simeon suggested she should.....or (and I think is more likely) she is writing me a very long, very heart felt letter about why she loves me so much but she doesn't think it's right with God that we're together and all that sort of stuff. Now I know this sounds very cynical from someone at a Christian camp and more than that, someone who will generally say he is a Christian. I guess its because, yes I am a cynic and I am a pessimist and what is worst I am an optimistic pessimist. Confused? I know the worst WILL happen.

That's about it really. Not much more time to be a miserable bugger.

Peace out

Radiohead - Creep (Still!)

2008-07-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm still listening repeatedly to the same track as I was yesterday, but at least today I'm not in such a bad mood. Still feeling a little bit down but to be honest, doesn't everyone sometimes?

So yeah not much of a blog really, just to say feeling a little happier, a lot less lonely and yeh thats about it.

Radiohead - Creep

2008-07-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

My first blog on here, and mainly because I'm not in the best of moods. There are several causes for this, one of which is that I was out last night and now have a stinking headache, although I am now suspecting that the headache is more from not eating much today, and being out in the sun without a hat on - it sounds stupid but I was fine this morning when I had my baseball cap on and after coming home to get my camera, I left my hat on the bed and now my head hurts and I feel rather ill. Should probably listen to my mum more often.

Headache aside, the other causes for the bad mood, well probably the main one is because I've recently finished reading a book that I've read several hundred times (slight exageration but you get the point). High Fidelity is my favourite book, but it's possibly not the best book for me to read. I find my self associating far too much with the lead character, mainly because there are far too many aspects of my life that I can match to his. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but needless to say I find the book both comforting and soul destroying at the same time which isn't really what you look for in a book.

However, I think the main reason that today I feel in a stinking mood and therefore wish to lock myself away in my bedroom and listen to as much sad bastard music as I can manage is because I feel just a little lonely today. Well more than a little really, I feel very lonely. It's not like I havn't got anyone, because there are any number of people I could have seen today and any number of things I could have done, but instead I choose not to, not in favour of doing anything amazing interesting, but because I don't want to be with them. I know it sounds rediculous, I'm on my own by choice and I'm complaining about being lonely. Thing is, the reason I've chosen to be on my own is because the people I could be seeing are not the people I want to be seeing, and the problems really kicks off now because...I don't really have anyone I want to see! I could always phone Laura and chat to her, maybe go down for a couple of days, but despite the fact that she's my girlfriend and i really do love her more than anyone else in all of the world, I don't even want to be with her right now.

This all might sound a little but strange and make you wonder what has made me feel so lonely, so I shall try and offer some form of explanation. This afternoon I went for a walk on the beach and found myself surrounded by families and groups of friends and couples...and then it hit me. I don't have that. I have friends, but not playing frisbee on the beach friends, not lazy sunny weekends friends, just friends that are there for a night out, or a coffee now and again. Hence my feelings of being lonely - I'm lonely because I don't have all that many friends to speak of and will remain this way because I won't put myself out to find any.

That's about it for today.